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There has been a lot of buzz around the term self-care lately. And while I think self-care is very important in promoting a healthy lifestyle, I think there is an important distinction needed to be made between self-indulgence and self-care. Often times I hear people say, “I’ll just treat myself to something as my self-care” or “I decided to binge watch a show all last night, it was my self-care”, and as much as these momentary actions might make us feel better, there is more to self-care than masking it by things we enjoy doing. So what is self-care? Self-care are self-initiated behaviours and actions that people use in their life to promote good health, and one’s general well-being. This includes learning to be more self-aware, promote self-regulation, and find balance in one’s daily life. Without this important practice, individuals are often faced with feeling overwhelmed, burnout or experiencing unmanageable amounts of stress that leads to mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. By integrating self-care practices into our everyday life, individuals will be able to develop resiliency, emotional stability, and enjoy life to its fullest! Now when we talk about self-care, there are actually several realms of self-care that should be considered including, professional, physical, psychological, emotional, personal, and spiritual. Below I’ll be breaking down each of these aspects and providing suggestions of how you can practice self-care! Professional: Whether it’s managing work-life balance, dealing with a difficult colleague, or meeting strict deadlines; work can have a large impact on how we function throughout our days. Some ways to help promote self-care at work could be: Taking small breaks Taking a lunch break Stretching or tense & release muscles at your desk Taking all of your vacation days Listening to a podcast or music if you can Disengaging at the end of the day, leave work at work Physical: Oftentimes when I talk to individuals about physical self-care the first thought often goes to working out. And while maintaining exercise is extremely good for one’s physical, mental, and emotional state, there are also other aspects to consider and ways to care for our physical health including: Quality & quantity of sleep Safe physical contact with loved ones Basic needs (food, housing) Making your space comfortable And moving your body Psychological: The demands of life can take quite a toll on our mental and psychological state. What are ways that help you to unwind, relax your mind, or help manage a stressful day? Some ways could be: Journaling Art-making Reading Gardening Asking for help if necessary Emotional: When balancing all that life has to offer, it can be challenging to find time to experience or even access emotions. It is important to take care of our emotional state so that we are able to regulate our emotions in a healthy way. Maybe care for your emotional state by: Allowing yourself to cry Taking time to laugh Practicing self-forgiveness and forgiveness towards others Being compassionate and patient with yourself Allowing yourself to experience feelings, even when uncomfortable Personal: As individuals we are wired for connectivity, but it is also healthy to find balance in our free time and to also make time to spend with ourselves. Perhaps personal care could look like: Setting personal goals Relaxing with loved ones Nurturing friendships Engaging in self-discovery Spending time alone Spiritual/Mindful: Whether you are religious, spiritual, or mindful, have you considered how you have been caring for this realm? It is important to strengthen our self-awareness and to find out what this means to us. Would you care for your spiritual/mindful self by: Connecting to a higher power Walking or connecting in nature Meditating Having quiet time Accessing your playful side Let me know how you incorporate self-care into your life! And stay tuned for tips on creating a self-care plan. Thanks for reading, Michelle

Just like meal planning or figuring out what workout is best for you, self-care also takes planning and setting goals that work for you. When starting out, I strongly recommend creating a self-care plan to help you achieve your goals. When making a self-care plan or schedule try to set realistic, feasible targets that work with your lifestyle and needs! Here are some tips on creating your own self-care plan: Step 1: Choose What Realms You Would Like to Improve Within self-care there can be multiple realms or categories that we would like to care for. When starting out, it’s important to select which ones suit you and what areas you would like to focus on. They should feel meaningful and represent areas in your life that you would like to spend time nurturing. You may call these categories mind, body, spirit, or maybe physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. You may also want to consider having a self-care plan for your personal life and one for your professional; I encourage you to tailor these categories to your needs. Step 2: Set Goals Start with some high-level, realistic goals. Step 3: Details Once you have your goals in place, it’s time to create your activities, timelines, and supports. Activities are ways in which you plan on achieving your goals. They should address what you need to do, not necessarily what you want to do. For example, if your goal is to get more exercise an activity could be walking outside or doing yoga at home. Try not to get this confused with activities that don’t actually promote self-care, such as staying up to 4 am to watch a TV show to take your mind off of troubles. These pleasurable activities may end up having the opposite effect and cause more exhaustion and challenges with daily functioning. Aim for what is best, not what is more fun or easy (I know easier said than done). It’s also important to note that activities can be things you don’t do, such as putting boundaries in your life or limiting a habit such as, spending less time on your phone or on social media. Along with activities it’s important to set up Times for your activities. You can do this by setting short-term timelines to start and setting long-term timelines when self-care becomes more of a routine. For example, if your goal is to find time to unwind and an activity you chose is to journal, a short term timeline could be to journal once a week for 10 minutes. A long-term timeline could be to spend some time everyday to journal. Remember these timelines should act as a guide and not cause more stress. If you find your plan is too restrictive there is always the option to alter it. Support is another important aspect to consider when making a self-care plan. Try to have a list of people you feel comfortable reaching out to to help you achieve your goals. This support team should be a source of support and encouragement as you establish your self-care routine. And there you have it! It can feel overwhelming to create time for yourself, which is why self-care is a commitment and a practice, but also requires adapting in order to meet your needs. So I encourage you, check in with yourself, listen to your bodies, and make time for self-care. Make it fun and creative, I personally love taking dance breaks, being in nature, going for walks, and making art! What are your forms of self-care? Thanks for reading, Michelle Miranda

Social media, and technology as a whole have a very prominent role in and affect on our everyday lives. I know for me personally, almost my entire existence is attached to not only technology but also social media. When we think of social media, our minds automatically go “oh it allows me to be socially connected to others.” That is very true..social media helps us to connect with individuals we may have lost touch with. It can help to reduce stress, anxiety, bring forward joy, and can even help us feel less alone. The thing is that social media can also act as a catch 22, where there is no escape. If we really think about it, social media has a reinforcing nature where we get rewarded with “feel-good chemicals” like dopamine when we engage in fun activities. Often times, this means that we can’t really stop ourselves from going on social media. Let’s take me as an example, sometime before bed I log onto TikTok to destress and next thing I know its 3am. That means the next day I am tired, irritable, and just not having a good time. Another aspect of social media that can often reel people in is that it can help with boosting self-esteem. We post pictures, send out tweets, and make videos which we then get positive responses or likes on. The trouble begins when we start associating our self-worth to the number of likes we get. When that happens, we aren’t really posting for ourselves anymore but more so for the approval of others. This can open the door for social comparisons where we start to ask ourselves “did I get as many likes as so and so?” Along with social comparison with likes, we can often start to engage in social comparison through looks. I want too heavily illustrate the point that what we see on social media is often not what we would see in real life. Through social media, we have access to so many types of filters and editing tools, which bring forward their own troubles. Now it is completely natural to compare ourselves to others, I have done it multiple times, but I want you to always remember that looks can be deceiving. Staying true to who you are, even if it feels hard, is so important! Now this is something I know I have personally experienced, FOMO - or fear of missing out. Seeing others on vacation, or at a concert, or doing anything other than work and go to school is hard. I am not going to lie about that, because it really is hard and can make you feel like you are missing out. As a result we can start to feel anxious or even depressed. The Digital Age of Vulnerability For so many teens and young children, social media and technology is something they have grown up with and is all they really know. It is how they connect with friends, pass time by, and it is even used for school purposes! The thing is, the earlier on social media used, the more of an impact it can have on mental health. A big disadvantage of social media is that it actually creates more opportunities for bullying and social exclusion. Going back to my point about filters and editing tools, so many children, teens, and young adults can develop a disordered lens on appearances during a time where their bodies are growing and developing. This can make it so hard to differentiate what is real and what its’t, especially during moments of vulnerability. Of course, the same can be said for adults who are exposed to the same types of pictures and filters. It can be so hard to not compare yourself, but every single person in this world is beautiful and unique in their own way. ​ Social Media and Teen Suicide I wanted to shift the discussion towards social media usage and suicide. I believe it is so important to talk about this to help spread awareness. The Social Media Victims Law Center has so many useful resources and general articles revolving around social media and its harmful effects. One sections specifically discusses social media and suicide. They explain how research has found several links between social media usage and teen suicide. One topic that they discuss is about the overuse of social media. Like I mentioned earlier, I can get so distracted by social media and then a few hours later it’s like 3am. This is because social media is captivating and so good at drawing us in. An important point that they make is that we can become so emotionally attached to the content we post that we truly take to heart any negative comments made or if we don’t get a certain number of likes. They discuss so many other topics such as content we are exposed to, bullying, and even the warning signs of teen suicide. I would highly recommend venturing over to their cite to learn all about it. Another section that I found so interesting was about tips on how to promote healthy social media usage with teens. While it is directly focused on teens, I feel as though individuals of all ages could benefit and gain new tips. ​ We Are Always Here for You No matter your thoughts or feelings on the concept of social media, we are always here to help you and listen to you. Social media can be a tricky thing and we never want you to feel that you are facing anything alone. While social media and other forms of technology can help you to connect with others, engage in some self-care, laugh on TikTok, and so much more. It is still a slippery slope and we want to make sure you are given the proper tools to handle those not so pleasant social media times. Whether you are looking to work on your self-esteem, reduce screen time, or even work through a possible social media addiction — We are here for you…always. ​ Thanks for reading, Dana Qablawi

Being a parent is one of the worlds most difficult and important jobs in the world. You are constantly worrying about your child’s health and safety so learning your child has just been diagnosed with ADHD can bring forward a wave of emotions. With a new diagnosis, it is only natural to feel confused, worried, or even scared. Doctors, teachers, and the Internet are now throwing information at you that you are trying to comprehend while simultaneously trying to ensure your child is comfortable and feels supported. One of the most important things to remember is that, it is not your fault and it is not your childs fault. Receiving a diagnosis does not have to be a bad thing, instead it can help you learn how to better accommodate your child and as a result give them their best chance. What Is ADHD? Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is often characterized by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. However, ADHD can also lead to poor self-esteem, sensitivity towards criticism, and even an increased sense of self-criticism if criticism is something they have been experiencing throughout their lives. While ADHD is often identified in school-age children, it can also be diagnosed later on in life. For many individuals, receiving an ADHD diagnosis helps to shed light on certain behaviours and allows them to better understand themselves. The symptoms of ADHD can lead to difficulties not only in a school setting, but also in a home setting and in relationships. Just remember that the behaviours are not because your child is defiant, unknowledgeable, or unwilling to listen and understand tasks. They just require a little extra support from those around them. ​ Receiving The First Diagnosis This can be an overly emotional time for you, trying to learn about ADHD, booking in appointments, reaching out to the school, and just trying to be there for your child. From your child’s point of view, they are hearing all these big words and seeing several doctors, which can make them feel a little scared. Talking to them about what is going on and making them feel included in their treatment planning is so important. When they are aware of what is happening it can help them feel empowered to learn more and work towards managing their symptoms. Here are some talking points to get the conversation started! Let them know that everyone has their own unique learning style, because no two brains or people are the same! You can explain how their brains work a little faster which is they sometimes have a hard time sitting still or processing thoughts. Try to highlight that this is not a bad thing, just a different thing! If they are on the younger side, maybe try explaining it as a superpower! Let them know that they are not alone and a lot of people have ADHD, you can even google some celebrities they know with ADHD! Talk about how ADHD does not go away, but with time can become more manageable. You can then come up with strategies or coping skills for when they are experiencing high levels of stress. If their doctor recommends medication, don’t make it a bad thing! Explain to them how this will helps them manage their symptoms that can be hard to fully control on their own. One of the most important things I wanted to highlight again, is just make sure they know it is not their fault and there is absolutely nothing wrong with them! Coming Up With A Treatment Plan Treatment plans can be complex, lengthy, and overwhelming, but that’s why we are here. Collaboration and cohesiveness is so important, so we will work with you, your child, and even their teachers to come up with the best course of action for your child. If possible, schedule a meeting with their teachers or principle to discuss options that could make this transition easier on your child. This could be letting them sit closer to the teacher, use of fidget toys to help with the fidgeting, or maybe a little extra time and support on assignments. All of these things will help your child and allow them to learn how to manage their symptoms to provide them with the best outcome. While the initial diagnosis can feel overwhelming, the use of a supportive treatment plan and team can help reduce stress and allow everyone involved to thrive under these new circumstances. ​ Looking for support for your child's recent ADHD diagnosis? We are here to help. Whether you are looking for support for your child or for yourself, it is important to have people you can lean on…let us be those people. Both you and your child have not done anything wrong, it's just learning how to adjust. You are doing the best you can and your child is doing the best they can but sometimes you need a little extra help. I am sure we all know the saying “it takes a village” so let us be that village for you. ​ Thanks for reading! Dana Qablawi

We are thrilled to announce the opening of our newest office, located in the heart of downtown London, Ontario at 233 Hyman Street! We know how difficult it may be to find a counselling professional nearby who you feel comfortable, safe, and understood speaking to about what may be going on. Wherever you are in your counselling journey, we welcome you here at Anchoridge Counselling Services. We understand that finding the right therapist can be a challenge, which is why we are committed to creating a warm and welcoming environment where clients can feel safe, heard, and supported. Whether you are seeking individual therapy, couples counselling, or family therapy, our team of experienced clinicians is here to help you improve your psychological, emotional, and mental well-being. We welcome all ages 9+. We offer both in-person and virtual appointments, providing our clients with the flexibility and convenience to choose the format that works best for them. Our online booking system allows you to easily view and book available appointments that fit into your schedule! We are particularly passionate about supporting Western, Fanshawe, and Affiliate students who may be facing the many challenges of post-secondary education. We understand that university or college can be a time of significant change and adjustment, and that many students struggle with academic pressures, social and world-life balance, and financial stress. Gaining access to mental health resources as a student may feel quite difficult, which is why we welcome all students here at Anchoridge. Our services are offered at varying price points and are redeemable through the Western Student Benefit Plan. We hope to provide a safe space where all students can seek mental health support right here in London. At Anchoridge Counselling Services, we take a collaborative approach to therapy, meaning that we work closely with our clients to identify their unique needs and goals, and to develop a personalized treatment plan that is tailored to their specific situation. We offer a range of therapy approaches to meet the diverse needs of our clients. Our therapists are trained in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Grief and Loss Strategies, Solution Focused Therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, Emotion Focused Therapy, and many others. If any of these sound interesting to you or you are unfamiliar with some of these approaches, full descriptions can be found under the Therapy Approaches tab on our website. We understand each client is unique, and we work collaboratively with them to determine which therapy approach will be most effective for their individual needs. We understand that therapy can be a daunting process, which is why we offer a free 15-minute meet and greet session with the clinician of your choice. This session provides an opportunity for clients to get to know their therapist, ask questions, and discuss their concerns before committing to therapy. We look forward to providing quality therapy services to individuals and families in the London community, and we are committed to creating a safe and supportive environment where our clients can thrive and achieve their goals. Whether you are a student, a working professional, or someone who is simply looking for support, we welcome you at our new location. We are here to help you improve your mental health and well-being, one step at a time!

The word “therapy” can often be a daunting and heavy word and for many, it is associated with long-term commitment and costs. The questions of “how many sessions will I need?” or “how often do I need to come in?” are not uncommon for us to hear. In fact, during the intakes we conduct they are typically the number one question being asked. I just want to start off by saying that every client who walks through our doors is overcoming their own personal challenges and every client’s path that has led them to us is different. That is the same concept behind every client's individual counselling journey. There is no set magic number of sessions or length of time to stay in therapy. Counselling has no defined timeframe, instead we focus on your personal growth and success and not on how often you come in to see us. There are a few factors that do play a role in the length of your treatment: such as treatment methods, goals, past history, and your commitment. Sometimes you may come in to see us for support on one specific topic and then discover you have different topics you would like to work through. That is completely okay! We are never going to time you or set a limit. The main thing we want to see is progress. I want to reiterate this again because it is so important, everyone’s journey is different so that means everyone’s recovery is going to be different. ​ How Do I Know I Am Improving? Now that we have discussed that everyone will be experiencing counselling differently, let’s discuss how we can tell we are making positive changes. The progress you make is often dependent on how much time and work you are willing to put in! If we break this down a little more, let’s say you have an assignment due for school and you have not even looked at it or put any effort towards it. Odd’s are you are not going to gain much knowledge on the topic or receive the grade you were hoping for. Same goes if you put in extra work, you will receive a higher grade. The same can be said with counselling. While we do work with you during sessions to come up with new coping skills and strategies, a lot of the work actually comes from your day-to-day experiences. What is being worked on in sessions is to help support you through future events. Being able to take what is being taught or discussed in sessions and apply them into your everyday life is exactly what we want to see! If we go back to the school example, I know you have had the thought of “when am I ever going to use this again” because I have absolutely had that thought. Now being out of school, I can recognize all the times those “random” things I learned have actually been very useful. Especially with math, and I never thought I would be using half the things I learned. We want you to be able to take what you are being taught to then handle new situations in a positive and healthy way. ​ How Often Should I Come In? This is another very common question! When you come in for that first session, you can absolutely discuss this with your clinician and together come up with a frequency that is right for you. How often you come in can vary from person-to-person and it can even vary with yourself! Let’s say you typically come in twice a month but have had an event that you would like to receive some additional support with, you can absolutely reach out and book in an additional session. We are here to help you in every way, shape, and form we can! ​ Thanks for reading, Dana Qablawi

“When one teaches, two learn” – Robert Heinlein Welcome to Anchoridge Counselling Services in Kitchener-Waterloo community! We started this blog to be able to provide free information that will help you advance towards your wellness goals, and will go through a wide array of topics, including: Self-Care Anxiety Depression Self-Esteem Loneliness Problematic Eating Substance-related harms Relationship concerns We know it can be hard for people who are struggling with their own, or a loved one’s mental health to find resources they need. Whether you are looking for a space to research your options, or explore your feelings and information about your wellness, we hope to provide you with the knowledge that you are not alone! As humans, we all want to feel like we belong and that others understand how we feel, or what we are going through. The struggles we go through are simply part of human nature with issues around self-esteem, our identities, life changes, coping with various life traumas, navigating relationships, managing stress or challenges. Our clinicians with Anchoridge are committed to quality therapy practices provided in a collaborative effort with clients to improve emotional, psychological and relational well-being. The clinicians use evidence-based practices to help individuals, couples, families and groups to navigate their circumstances and improve their quality of life. So we will wrap up this first post with a heart full of gratitude for your time and all the clients who have allowed us to have the opportunity to make a difference in their lives. Until next time, Anchoridge Counselling Services

If somebody told me last year that we would be facing a major health challenge that is impacting the whole world, it would have been unimaginable. Yet here we are. At the end of 2019, when I first heard about Coronavirus, I did not think too much about it. Fast forward a couple of months to mid-February, returning home from a trip down south, and I recognized it was becoming a larger health issue based on the precautions being taken at the airport, but again, I did not think it would be something that impacted me. At the beginning of March, when there were more positive cases coming into the area, just days before a global-wide pandemic was announced, I still was believing this was not something that would impact me, making plans for seeing friends and family, and believing that this was being “blown out of proportion”. Days later, the global pandemic is in full-force, and first hand seeing the drastic changes and guidelines being implemented for our safety, I was sitting with these constant thoughts of “what is this going to look like? How is this going to impact me?” That is when it hit me – we are facing unprecedented change. Fast forward, we are going into week 12 of this pandemic. Ten weeks ago, I could not have imagined where we are now. There has been plenty of feelings, and I have been seeing how this is impacting people so differently. I know myself; I have been feeling anxiety for myself and my family in terms of our health. Myself, as well as my close family members, are still going into work every day, so there is always that risk. But it is not just the anxiety of contracting the virus, it is also the fear and uncertainty about what is happening to society, what is happening to the economy, what is happening to our friends and relatives. One of the biggest questions I wonder is when I will be able to hug my family and friends again. In addition to the anxiety, there has been a lot of grief. We have all lost something through this. We have lost our normal day-to-day interactions and routine. We have lost our ability to connect with people, and these restrictions make it more challenging to socially connect with people. We have also lost that sense of certainty. The sense of uncertainty about the future generates a strong threat or alert in our limbic system. Our brain detects that there is something wrong, and we lose our ability to focus. It’s a type of pain or distress we want to avoid. Our need to feel in control and to know what is coming next makes us feel secure, it is essentially a survival mechanism. So obviously, with all the uncertainty with this pandemic, it makes sense that there is an increase in the unpleasant feelings. For many people, myself included, the uncertainty surrounding this challenge is the hardest thing to handle. We might not have control over this virus or the impact it is having, but we can challenge ourselves to control the way we are responding to what is happening. There are many things we can do – even in the face of this unique crisis – to manage anxiety and fears. Taking care of yourself is so important in order to be able to take care and help out your friends and family. Set time each day to engage in a self-care or self-soothing activity (i.e., music you enjoy, spending time in nature, journaling, baths, meditation, practicing gratitude, distraction activities, meditation, etc.) Taking care of your physical health, including eating well-balanced meals, regular sleep, physical activity, maintaining personal hygiene, and physical distance. Connecting with friends, family, and co-workers. Just because we physically isolate, does not mean we socially isolate! There are many options with modern technology to keep us connected Keeping routines as consistent as you can and setting goals for yourself Cutting back on social media. Not all the information on there is accurate, so use reputable sources for staying informed. Being kind to yourself. Be mindful of the inner critic and remind yourself that you can only do the best you can. I also think reframing goes a long way too. We are learning something about ourselves through this. Resilience is a powerful word. It doesn’t mean that we don’t experience stress, emotional upheaval, or suffering, but rather our ability to withstand adversity and bounce back from the challenging times. We learn to get through difficult life events. History has shown us time and again that our strength is how we create, survive, and prosper during the worst of times. These circumstances have provided us all an opportunity to become resilient, to learn more about ourselves and how we can grow, and prove our ability to come together and respond in an emergency in a way that is thoughtful, caring and contributes to improving the situation for all of us. Living through this experience is allowing us to learn about ourselves, and gaining perspective around what is really important in the world. Resources: Here 24/7 – Crisis Support – 1-844-437-3247 Homewood Health for Mental Health and Substance Use Support – 1-866-585-0445 ConnexOntario – Addiction, Mental Health, and Problem Gambling Services – 1-866-531-2600 Narcotics Anonymous – online meetings: https://virtual-na.org/ Alcoholics Anonymous – online meetings: https://aa-intergroup.org/

“Your value as a human does not come from what you look like on the outside” I can remember the countless times I would be scrolling through social media and have thoughts of “I wish I looked like that”, or “I’m so fat compared to her”. Or looking in the mirror, just full of hate towards how I looked. And sadly, I know this is more common than it is not. Body positivity. It’s a term that thrown around a lot on social media regularly. But what does it mean? For me, initially, it simply was changing your mindset and seeing your body in a positive view rather than always thinking about it in a negative one. Take a minute to think about what it means to you. There are many definitions and perspectives, and over the years, I’ve learned it is much more than that. To me, it means your worth is not dependent on what your body looks like or the number on the scale. It is a journey of learning to accept your body for what it is, and what it does for you on a daily basis so that you don’t let your insecurities or unrealistic ideals about beauty and health hold you back from living life. It is striving to be your best self. I believe it’s a state of mind and place of the heart where you can make choices for yourself in a place of love, rather than hate. It’s throwing out the fashion rules of the past that force or shame us to hide and shrink away. It’s allowing us permission to put on that two-piece bathing suit, to slay that downward dog facing position, to look in the mirror at your body, smile, and say “I love it”. It is focusing on what you do with your body, and what the next person does with theirs does not concern you. It’s always easier said than done. I understand that and recognize that somedays there are going to be better days than others. You are not alone in how you are feeling. Welcome to a series of blogs on everything from self-esteem and body-image of ourselves and within our relationships, to weight-shaming and body comparison. It is not an easy journey to feel confident and happy in your body, but it’s a rewarding feeling to give your body the love it deserves. It’s my hope this content will help you along your journey. Until next time, Jackie

I regularly hear from people that they ‘want to be happier’. An understandable desire. However, if someone is feeling low, the next step is not to feel happy, but it is to feel. And rarely do I hear anyone say, “Can you help me feel more sadness, more anger, more fear?” along with their request to feel more happiness. Some of the world’s most common ideas about happiness create what is referred to as a “happiness trap”. These ideas, created by Russ Harris, are misleading and when you believe them or let them rule your life, it often makes you feel shame, stress, or just plain miserable! So what are these myths, and how do they impact you? Myth 1: Happiness is the natural state for human beings. This is the idea that perpetual happiness is the natural state for human beings. The myth goes that if you give a person enough food, shelter, and connection, they will feel happy all the time. The reality of being human, though, is that we experience an ever-changing flow of emotions – which is normal and natural. This is the natural state – to have a range of different experiences and emotions, from joy to despair and all the other emotions in between. No one is happy 24/7 – regardless of what we see in the world around us. Myth 2: If you are not happy, you are defective. For many reasons, our society assumes that any sort of mental suffering is abnormal. It’s viewed as a weakness or an illness. This means that when we do experience painful thoughts and feelings, we often criticize ourselves for this. The reality is that if you are not always happy – you are normal. Human life is difficult a lot of the time and our minds are tricky – often getting us caught up in something. Sometimes life is pleasant and we are happy, and sometimes life is hard. We are not defective or broken if we are not always happy. Our mind is just doing its job – the thing it evolved to do. Myth 3: To create a better life, we must get rid of negative feelings. We live in a feel-good society, a culture obsessed with finding happiness. Everywhere we look, people are happy. Social media is a “happiness reel”. So what does society tell us to do? To eliminate ‘negative’ feelings and accumulate ‘positive’ ones in their place. It’s a nice theory, because after all, who wants unpleasant feelings? But here is the catch: the things we generally value in life bring with them a full range of feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant. Think about a relationship. Although you experience positive feelings such as love and joy, you will also inevitably experience disappointment and anger. This holds true for just about every meaningful thing we embark on. Myth 4: You should be able to control what you think and feel. We have much less control over our thoughts and feelings than we would like. But, it’s not that we have no control, we just have a larger amount of control over our actions. And it’s through action we create a meaningful life – which brings us happiness! There are many approaches that teach us to identify negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones or the repetition of positive affirmations. The basic theme of these approaches is that if you challenge your negative thoughts or images with positive ones, you will find happiness. If only life were that simple. It’s not that these techniques have no effect; they can often make you feel better temporarily. But they will not get rid of negative thoughts. The same holds true for negative emotions. Emotion, in and itself, is not the issue. It’s all of what we do to avoid, eliminate, or run from it. We don’t get to choose to only feel happy and skip over other feelings like anger or sadness. Thoughts and feelings pass – they are not permanent. It is what we do with these thoughts and feelings that break the vicious cycle. Welcome the thoughts and feelings in, be right here and now with them. These myths set us up for a struggle we cannot win: the struggle against our own human nature. When we can see beyond these myths about happiness, we have the opportunity to connect deeply to all the aspects of our life, including the highs and lows, the ups and downs. We can live with more self-acceptance, presence, and embrace ourselves and our life – wholeheartedly. Until next time, Jackie